Kol Nidre 5777 - Oct. 11, 2016 - Temple Bat Yam, South Lake Tahoe, CA

The Exchange of Forgiveness

There is a story about the great Rabbi of Brisk.  This is the place that gave rise to the Soloeveitchik rabbinic dynasty, regarded and respected for both their scholarship and menshelekeit.  The story goes that the rabbi was traveling on a train homeward.  A salesmen boards the train and occupies a seat in the same car as the Rabbi.  Not recognizing the great community leader, the salesman treats him poorly.  He is rude and does not greet him in return, he is curt if he responds at all and disrespectful.  When they arrive in Brisk, and the salesman suddenly realizes whom he has offended, ignored and treated rudely, he begs forgiveness repeatedly, trying to make good, and yet the rabbi firmly rejects him.  He finally asks the Rabbi’s son to intervene, and the Rabbi explains to his son that he cannot accept the apology, that he is not in a position to grant forgiveness.  The Rabbi’s son, says, what could you possibly mean, the salesman thought you were but a common man.  Ah….ah…. the rabbi said, that is why I cannot forgive him, it is to that man that he should apologize and seek forgiveness.

The Rabbi in this story helps us understand the difference between apology and forgiveness…firstly that we cannot expect forgiveness, it is as Marjorie Ingall recently explained that forgiveness ought to be understood as a gift and after all, we don’t ask for gifts.  But more so, the apology the rabbi deems necessary in this moment is to the imagined person the salesman offended.  You see, while the rabbi may have been deserving of more respect, the intentionality of the transgression was to treat a commoner poorly and therefore it is to that man an apology should be offered and that all ought to be treated with dignity and respect. 

Kol Nidre, is the name given to this evening’s service; which derives its name from the hallowed words of the prayer itself - Kol Nidre…all our vows.  These words motivate us to consider the best and the worst of ourselves.  This evening is designed as the opening act of this day long retrospective…a tour through the last year if you will.  As the day unfolds, we engage in liturgy that gives us the framework to sift what we notice during that introspection and eventually to moments of confession, strategies for reparation and the setting of intentions moving forward.  We rise at the day’s conclusion renewed for a New Year, committed, we hope, to reaching towards our own potential.  Yet, it does not come without effort, without intention or without an exchange.

The rituals of this day are about the art of living.  We must understand that life is a work of art, and we are the artists.  We are charged to create a masterpiece of our life that holds in the balance our deeds, our character, our intentions all in a way that reflects the human being we aim to be.  Part of that creative work is the dance of living in relationship with others and simply because we are human, we err, we make mistakes.  Because of this reality of living as human beings we ought to pay close attention to the challenge of how we respond when errors are made, how we apologize and how we grant forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is an exchange, for it is a gift we offer when we are ready.  It is more than the acceptance of an apology.  Our Jewish tradition provides us a framework for understanding different modes for such a gift, and they are unique in what they require of us, when granting forgiveness and when seeking it. 

Most commonly in our tradition, we find the forgiveness of סליחה - slicha - a pardon.  Yet this is not a complete pardon, Rabbi J.H. Hertz says, “Pardon is not the remission of the penalty, but the forgiveness of the guilt and the removal of the sinfulness.”  Our literature invokes this for the accidental sins, or sins of omission and lower-level offenses.  We also find מחילה - michilah - a canceling.  By extension, this refers to the remission or canceling of a debt.  This one is most similar to what we know as the pardon granted a criminal.  Rabbi David Blumenthal writes that, “Mechilah is like a pardon granted to a criminal by the modern state. The crime remains; only the debt is forgiven.”  He also points out that this is not a full reconciliation between the injured and the injurer, rather it is reaching a conclusion that the injurer no longer owes. 

This day, however, gets its name from what the Bible calls - יום הכיפורים- Yom HaKippurim, Yom Kippur from a mention in Leviticus when we understand this day as the moment when all Israel will receive atonement for our sins.  This type of forgiveness - כפרה - Kapparah - is a covering…it is a purging of the wrongs committed.  The challenge with this form for us, is that it is only granted by God. 

There is a fourth kind of forgiveness that embodies this notion as an exchange best.  It is the moment when our mistakes and misdeeds are carried away.  נשיאה - Nisiah - is when the forgiveness granted, carries away entirely the experience.  What is so powerful in this type, is when we understand that our actions carry weight, they entail a burden.  Rabbi Dalia Marx, from the Jerusalem campus of Hebrew Union College, teaches us about the work of the contemporary Israeli philosopher, Yotam Benziman who argues, “that the proper and only way to mend an injury is through "dialogic forgiveness." Both the offender and the offended carry the memory of the injustice. For forgiveness to occur, they must integrate it into their life fabric, and grow from this painful place. Rather than putting the hurtful act "behind us," or separating the deed from the doer by condemning the action but acquitting its perpetrator, or leaving the act unowned (as if what a dear one did was wrong, but she is still the same loving person), Benziman proposes a forgiveness process based upon remembering it.”

The liturgy of this day is profound.  That crescendo moment of the Unetaneh Tokef, when God is writing and sealing in the Book of Life, the prayer itself reminds us that, “God remembers deeds long forgotten.” 

Our charge is to make all our experiences part of our lives, despite how hurtful they are to us when we have wronged or been wronged.  It is not our place to cover up and simply forgive and forget, but remember and integrate into our lives, into that masterpiece we are creating of our life.

Each of us knows the challenge of discovering those moments when we ought to say those most difficult words:  I’m sorry.  We know, as human beings, all too well how hard it is to realize and even utter them, let alone say them with sincerity.  The process of teshuvah - repentance is hard, it is more than words and it entails a process of learning, of growing and of reaching towards those deserving our efforts.  When this part of our humanity is real, it means harm has been done.  Our hearts are, in a way broken.

Take this symbol of the heart, the seat of our emotions…it is a simple shape that symbolizes our ability to love, to fear, to know anxiety, to re-build relationships that require mending.  When we injure another (crease the heart), we affect our own; when we are injured too (crease the heart again), our heart is affected.  The journey of life is not always easy and we live through much.  (crumple the heart)

As we’ve learned, our tradition provides many avenues for repair, for reconciliation and the process of teshuvah - repentance can be the iron for a creased heart.  It is a rigid process that requires preparation.  Its warmth can be just enough to be welcoming, but it certainly must be handled with care.  Eventually, though, with honest, pure and wholesome efforts our hearts can take their proper shape, their rightful place as the seat of our emotions.  (Flatten the heart)

This is done when we find those difficult words offered from our own lips:  I’m sorry.  Yet, there is another side to this heart, just as with our own.  (Flip the heart over)  This other side is when we are not searching for those difficult words of I’m sorry, but rather when we have the power to forgive.  At this season, we often focus on our role of the wrongs committed AND it is also the time we ought to understand the exchange required in forgiveness.  When we are able to, when we understand and accept another’s teshuvah journey we too bear the burden of granting forgiveness.  We engage in that nisiah - that carrying away.  As we learned from Rabbi Marx’s teaching about the philosopher Benziman’s argument we, “…must integrate it into [their] our life fabric, and grow from this painful place.”  The carrying away is the gift we offer in exchange for the apology.  It is our responsibility for living in relationship with others.  It is NOT for us to hold over another’s head, or bring up in the next argument or ten years from now, simply a profound moment of growth in the relationship.

This heart, complete with its creases, its wrinkles, yet re-shaped and holding its proper place in our physical and spiritual selves is part of that masterpiece of our life made through the art of living.

Often the work of art representing our life bears even the less savory moments.  It carries with it the moments we injured another, and it carries with it the opportunities we had to grant forgiveness.  Yet, these brush strokes are integrated into the full masterpiece and when done with care, with intention and a purity of thought we can insure they display in a way that makes them part of the whole, a necessary piece of the larger picture of our lives. 

Consider the famous paintings, each their own masterpiece, that hide other works beneath.  Perhaps most famous are Picasso’s The Blue Room and even Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.  Often done as a cost saving measure, an artist’s recycling device.  Or even an attempt at a second, third or even fourth draft.  Yet, one of the undecided mysteries of the Mona Lisa remains the subject of the painting itself.  Some have put forth the thesis that the sitter of the painting, the family who commissioned the work itself did not compensate the artist, so DaVinci kept the work and moved on.  While we will never know the full complete story, perhaps this masterpiece, carrying away with it this experience of DaVinci expresses a complex biography. 

Yet, we are so much more, for the brush strokes that comprise our lives are far richer.  Our biographies are the interwoven threads of our life experience, we stitch it together using the material we are given and using the choices we make.  At this time, on this eve of Yom Kippur, at Kol Nidre, we know that we all have opportunities to offer our apologies, to reach out to those we have harmed.  And even more, there is the second side of that heart, the side that requires us to grant forgiveness, while knowing we must carry away part of the experience; it will forever be with us.  Forgiveness represents an exchange for which there are at least two responsible, it requires of us the ability to carry away - the nisiah - and as Yotam Benziman writes, “For forgiveness to occur, [written:  they] we must integrate it into [their] our life fabric, and grow from this painful place.”   

May each of us ensure this year is one during which we integrate all that fills our lives, during which we grow from even the painful and may we own the moments when forgiveness is a gift we can and are ready to give.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah - May all Discover a Good Year